A nail-biting situation

I have a problem. It's not the kind of earth-shattering dilemma like deciding which kind of ice cream to buy, but it’s a close one. This monumental problem is notorious for spreading icky, invisible bacterial blobs like this and for causing Armageddon cute little arguments in your marriage.

No, this isn’t about leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to brush your teeth. It’s the classic nail-biting habit, which, according to the guys in white coats, stems from fear, anxiety, boredom or stress.

This unbreakable habit has sort of become a contentious issue between me and … someone who shall not be named. For years, this person has commented (in the most loving ways) on what a disgusting habit it is and has pleaded with calmly asked me to quit biting my nails. As if it’s that easy.

Now I understand that this looks like an easy habit to break — if you don’t actually suffer from this affliction. Hmmf! Do you think us nail-biters enjoy having our fingers look like they just emerged from a Tim Burton movie? Do you think we don’t notice when people glare at us as we shrink and hide while we discreetly nibble on our nails’ edges? We can’t help it that there aren’t “treatment centers” for the likes of us (and if there are such facilities, please let me know!). In fact, have you ever thought that maybe your disgust for our torn apart unattractive fingers actually creates more fear, anxiety and stress that perpetuate the very habit you disdain? Well, sirs and madams, maybe you’re the problem. Or maybe we just need to clamp down (no pun intended…or was it?) and kick this dirty habit.

Still, I’ve decided that after approximately 23 years of biting my nails, it’s time to take control. I know I will never be a hand model for some kind of nail polish commercial, but I should at least try to remove my name from “The World’s Nastiest Fingernails” list. I want to stroll down Main Street (or wherever) and proudly display my fingernails to passersby who can’t help but gasp at my neatly trimmed cuticles instead of fleeing from my ghastly-ghoul hands.

After much research, I’ve discovered that it boils down to willpower. Well, I’ve definitely proven to have an immense amount of willpower, especially when it comes to food, Pokemon cards and Beanie Babies. “Experts” also recommend painting your nails (done) and coating your fingers in something that makes you want to vomit (I’ll put that on my next grocery list).

There is also a lot of talk about getting to the root of the problem. Why do you bite your nails? Is it because you had a traumatizing first day of school (Yes, it was terrifying waking up each morning knowing I had to face — eek, gasp — my brothers while my mother homeschooled us)? Or maybe you have some psychological issues (some might argue I do). In reality though, I do it because I’m bored, stressed or hungry (No, I don’t eat my nails). It’s that simple.

I just wish breaking the habit was as easy.