Well happy birthday to you - not

Let this be a warning: If you do something stupid or insensitive, expect someone to ruthlessly write about it if it’s warranted. Trust me, it usually is.

Today I was working away like the steadfast employee that I am [insert sarcasm] when I glanced at my phone to see my brother Luke calling. In the five seconds it took for me to answer the phone I was trying to figure out why in the world he would be calling me on a Thursday afternoon (after all, band practice isn’t until Saturday).

I was immediately suspicious when the first word out of his mouth was an overly-friendly “Hey!” instead of his usual obnoxious greeting “Wazzzzzzzzz-uuuuuuuuuuup!” My suspicion turned into intrigue and a tinge of worry when he followed his “Hey!” greeting with, “I have a dilemma.”

First of all, since when does Luke call me with any dilemma? Second, when am I ever trusted to give wise or rational advice?

I couldn’t see Luke, but I could hear him fidgeting on the other end of the phone line. I could also hear his reluctance to explain his “dilemma.”

So, pray tell, what was this big dilemma? Problems in honeymoon la-la land? Of course not. Trouble with acing that big exam like his sis? Nope. Or is there trouble in paradise with his little brother/BFF? Sort of.

Luke’s dilemma did have something to do with Dale, but not in the way you might expect. They weren’t fighting over who's the greatest Halo champion of them all. Luke just wanted me to help pay for a birthday gift for Dale. Since our mother is hosting a birthday party for Dale tomorrow Luke wanted to get something spectacular for his special sibling — who apparently isn’t me by the way. Did I forget to mention that this birthday party for Dale is also for me, my sister-in-law and our dear grandmother?

So there's his dilemma. Luke just wanted my help in purchasing a gift for Dale’s birthday while readily admitting he wasn’t getting me, or anyone else, a gift. In addition, he needed my help to buy Dale this $60 gift. Wow.

Luke asked for my opinion. I’m sure the rational, selfless person would have responded with a hearty “yes.” I, on the other hand, gave Luke a verbal lashing for having the gall to ask for my help when I just had a birthday too. Realizing the absurdity of his request Luke immediately began giggling.

Now I don’t really care that Luke didn’t want to buy me a gift, but I do care that he blatantly showed favoritism. He must not remember the good ol’ days when we’d ditch Dale to play with the “cool” kids.

So unfortunately little Dale won’t be getting a gift from his beloved Luke, but then again, neither will the rest of us.

The circle of life revisited

I was going down memory lane this morning when all of a sudden I felt my lungs constrict, my lip quiver and my eyes water. I wasn't looking through old family photos or watching family home videos of when I was learning how to walk.

I was watching "The Lion King." Yes, good old Walt Disney's 1994 classic.

Remember when Mufasa explains the circle of life to Simba or when (Warning: SPOILER Alert!) Mufasa sacrifices himself to save Simba from the wild stampede? Yes, my eyes were feeling a little misty. Luckily a tear drop didn't actually fall because that would have been really embarrassing.

Today was probably the first time I've watched this Disney movie in more than 10 years. Not only are the family messages moving (sacrifice, love, something else...) but it did take me back to when this movie first came out. I actually remember watching this when I was 6 years old and being so distraught when Mufasa dies.

I was reminded how the world was so much simpler then when your biggest dilemma was a cartoon lion dying for his cub.

It also reminded me how much better Disney used to be. Don't get me wrong — I love some of the newer movies ("Up" anyone??) — but they do seem to lack the magic. I mean, if forced to watch about some guy living in the land of raining meatballs or a little lion king, well there's really no choice.

So am I alone here (it wouldn't be the first time) or do you prefer the classics as well?

Better luck next year

Well, I’ve learned my lesson.

You won’t see me trying to be clever during Halloween again.I attended a Halloween costume party this weekend and made an effort to wear anoriginal costume from supplies I already had at home. It was a noble effortthat fell flat.

Since I’m a news junkie, I incorrectly assumed most peopleat least hear about big news stories — like the big wild animal escape from aprivate wildlife preserve in Zanesville, Ohio, for example. In short, a man whoowned more than 50 exotic animals (tigers, bears, monkeys, leopards, etc...)set them all loose and then shot himself. It happened earlier this month andwas all over the news.

So as I was rummaging through my supplies at home, I cameupon some cat ears (oddly enough, that looked like a leopard’s) and an oldleopard-print belt (previously worn for my bachelorette party). The figurativelight bulb came on and I had a “great” idea — I could go to the party as anescaped leopard from this animal preserve. It was not only original, but it wastimely. Award-winning, right? Nope.

I should have known that most people wouldn’t get it when I tried explaining my costume idea to my best friend hours before the party. Instead of a pat on the back I received a blank stare. After I explained the storybehind the costume she was generous enough to give me pity praise for my“great” costume idea.

Still, I finished my costume with some fake whiskers and anice little sign on my back identifying myself as “Property of the ThompsonWildlife Preserve, Zanesville, Ohio.”

I was overcome with déjà vu at the party as people looked atme with blank stares followed by polite, plastered on smiles as I explained mycostume.

For future reference: If your costume needs explaining itmight not be as good as you think.

p.s. Become an informed citizen and read the news! Oh, and Happy Halloween.

If you're hotter than a pistol...

I don’t mean to come off as “high and mighty,” but I usually don’t swear. But there are always those times when a swear word seems to be the only way to truly describe how you’re feeling. These are one of those times.

This isn’t a gossip hub. Chris and I are great and all my friends are speaking with me (I think). This is just one of those wonderful work incidents where you have to deal with hostile and paranoid maniacs impolite people. I got in a passive-aggressive battle via email today. I was the bigger person in the end, but as my dad would say, I still feel hotter than a pistol.

Now most people who know me would agree it usually doesn’t take much to, well, piss me off (sorry mom!). But there are those rare instances when I have reasonable grounds for being agitated, disheartened or enraged. Does the Clarion circa 2009-2010 ring a bell, anyone? It should for some people Marie, Jaclyn, Noah, Calvin, Jason who shall not be named.

Wow, tangent. Anyways…

So how do you stay calm when all you want to do is reach through your email and throttle the person on the other side? Give these a shot:

Heap on the coals. Even though your first instinct may be to maim your “enemy” — do the opposite. Some may take this approach to be the better person, but if you’re more like me then you should know that nothing quite disgruntles and confuses a person more than unwarranted kindness. Plus, some guy once wrote that if you go the nice-route it’s like “heaping burning coals” on their head. Brilliant.

Laughter is the best medicine. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Actually, it is. Find something dependable to make you laugh. It could be a person, a memory, a YouTube video or those old family photos of your conservative parents looking like some major hippies. Laughter will take the edge off and will bring you one step closer to clearing your head.

Rehash. No, I’m not referencing Twitter or an acceptable form of gossip (Is there such a thing?). Talk through the situation with someone you can trust to give you sound advice in moving forward. This is especially important if you’re going to be sending some kind of documented response (written or emailed), in which case you’re going to want someone to read it before you send it. Trust me…

Think before you post. Especially on Facebook or Twitter. If you want to say “Urg, curse the $@#! world” — that’s fine. Just be ready for a swarm of public questions from people about what’s going on in your life lately, despite the fact you haven’t seen most of these people in five years. These people are often referred to as busybodies and gossipmongers caring individuals looking out for your best interest recently.

Carrots and celery sticks. Yeah right. Bring on the chocolate truffles, Laffy Taffys (remember you gotta laugh?) and chocolate chip ice cream. After the horrible day you’ve just had you’re going to want to relax and treat yourself. Literally. So do it already. Hide your running shoes and dig out those sweatpants!

Wanted: Brave-enough-soul

I’m not going to lie. I enjoy Halloween. I love haunted houses, corn mazes, costumes and candy. I also love watching horror movies. Nothing quite makes your heart beat faster or sweat stream down your face like a good scare.

I went to the Trail of Terror in Shakopee last night. Now the night didn’t exactly start very promising. The Trail of Terror has a bunch of mazes, rides, food and “scary” room/houses to walk through. I was a bit excited.

First up was a ride on the hayride “through the gates of hell,” or something like that. Let’s just say if that was the ride to hell, well, then hell isn’t all that scary. The ride was a poor excuse for some scares. I ended up giggling through most of the ride.

Since that was the first endeavor of the night turned out to be lame kind of disappointing, I didn’t have much hope for the rest of the attractions.

I was kind of wrong.

Next we went in the indoor maze, which really should be called a haunted house. I was pleasantly scared. I jumped. I screamed. And I giggled a little bit too.

I didn’t get any nightmares from the experience, but I did get what I was looking for, which was some good old-fashioned fear. The rest of the attractions were fine, but that “maze” was the best.

Now I’m wondering if I really could handle the Soap Factory’s basement? You have to be over 18 years old and you are required to sign a waiver before participating. They also provide you a “safe” word that you can scream any time during the experience and someone will escort you out.

I first heard about this when I was a freshman in college and I’ve been intrigued ever since. Still, I think I might be too scared to actually go through with it. If signing a waiver doesn’t sound that bad, how about hearing about past years where they’ve strapped you to a chair in a dark room…

Yikes.

Regardless of how intense or scary that sounds, I am now on a mission to find a brave enough soul to embark on the “journey” with me to this haunted basement. If we survive, great! If not, well...

Is it just me or has a lot changed?

I’m ashamed. I recently realized that it’s been more than a year since I last blogged. To be fair, I’ve had a little bit on my plate. In the last year I got a new job and a house. Oh yeah, and I got married.

But still. Shame on me.

Well, I’m back in the saddle. I’ve polished my keyboard (not really) and cracked my knuckles. Let’s get rolling.

First, I’ve been wracking my brain for some kind of theme for this blog, but frankly I’ve decided to raise the white flag and keep it as a collection of miscellaneous musings.

Now even though a lot has happened over the last year, it won’t do much good to recap everything. First of all, that would be like a book. Second, I just don’t think the whole year is worth recapping. So how about some of the highlights?

* New job: I work at the Stillwater Gazette, a.k.a. my hometown newspaper. I’m a reporter (yay!) and pretty much cover everything in Stillwater and the surrounding communities. And when I say I cover them, I mean that I try my best despite the fact that it’s at least a 2-3 person job.

*House: I’m a homeowner. I bet you didn’t see that one coming, huh?

*Married life: This is by far the best thing that has happened in my life so far. Wow, that probably sounded like a quote from a 1950’s homemaker, but it’s true. I still have my career and what could actually beat coming home to your favorite person every day?

OK, recapping is over. Those, in a nutshell, are the milestones of the year, which most of you probably already knew. Still, I figured they’re still worth mentioning.